i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
