She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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