I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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