The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
