No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
