Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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