I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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