She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
