After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
