Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
