Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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