Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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