I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
