Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
