Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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