I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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