her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
