see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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