I can text with my tongue
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
