Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
