i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You've changed since you got that strap on
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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