Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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