decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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