JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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