the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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