Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
