The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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