My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
