I faked an abortion last night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
