You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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