Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
