Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
