just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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