I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
