I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
