I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
