I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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