Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
