Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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