Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize