I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
