I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
