It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
