Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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