You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you had me at cake vodka
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
