Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
