I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
