I saw his package. It spoke to me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
