he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
