i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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