i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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