I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
