White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
