Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
