I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
