Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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