My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Sober January is a disaster.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
