I wannas sexs uuuuu
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
