Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
