I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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