I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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