i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
